I never thought a day would come when I could not cry at all... when members of my family pass away. First my dogs... then in time... my grandfather... and now my cousin.

My Grandfather on my mother's side passed away in October. It's such an ironic thing that I now lay on the bedframe that was once his, remembering how very little he permitted me to know him. He had not been interested in us... he was so distant. Then in the past months, he slowly gave weigh to Alzheimers... then suddenly he was gone just as I came to know him just a little... yet I have no idea where he is and it seems so weird. A man who was in the U.S. Army in World War 2. A man who once went forward and then turned his back on God... tell me Lord what am I to say?

And I am numb most of all for my cousin Avery, a boy three years older than I. A boy I grew up knowing, who was my playmate whenever we would meet. The only sensible one of his family, with dark brown hair and brown eyes. Last Wednesday he committed suicide by hanging himself, and he was in a Coma until Sunday, when he passed away, and I feel like I felt him slipping away day by day, though we prayed, for him and the family. He once had given his heart to Jesus, then the toll of family strife led him to drugs... so tell me what am I to say?

I'm nto grieving. I'm numb. I can't cry a tear, it all seems so far away and so real, death.